“I thought you got out of this mess! Are you still in this business?” Cato slammed the beer glass down on the table so hard that the beer foamed. We had previously worked together in various projects, but that was a few years ago now. “You gave us all hope that it was actually possible to escape!” Cato was genuinely upset that I was apparently back in the business. He asked several times from different angles as if he just couldn’t believe I could be so stupid. He continued. “All this time I thought you got away! Almost every day, you have been an inspiration and a source of light for me. That’s what we all dream of!”
I was out for a year, I replied. “But why the hell did you come back!” He lifted the glass to his mouth but continued talking “you were an inspiration to those of us that couldn’t find a way out, and now you’re back!” I tried to be funny and said with my best Pacino impersonation, “I thought I was out, but they pulled me back in!” But Cato just shook his head “It’s fucking too much!”. He said it without smiling.
Cato was obviously disappointed and upset by my choice to re-enter. I will admit that I may not have been completely honest or told the whole truth when I left. But that’s the kind of guy I am. That is probably why I have survived so long in this profession as well. I tend to paint and explain situations with a slightly broad brush.
I chose to return to this hellish profession where conflicts, lack of settlement and arguments is everyday life. Where the main ingredients are short deadlines and quick profit. Everyone talks about long-term relationships, that we are a family, professionalism, good agreements for all parties and that we work for a better future for everyone. But those are just words. Marketable words. At the end of the day, it’s all about money and profit. You are not worth more than your last deal. At best, the profit you brought in last month.
In this line of work you become a greedy heartless prostitute who is bargaining, negotiating, and making deals nobody is satisfied with. Truths disappear into the dark and lies emerge into the light. If you think that you and your integrity are worth something, find something else to do. Nobody can save you in here but yourself.
Even though I knew all this, I chose to come back. For those who viewed this from the outside, I can understand that it seemed as if I bet and lost. I knew from the beginning that I couldn’t survive on the outside forever. And I came back because this is what I´m good at. After all, maybe I am just a spineless heartless whore who enjoy arguing and making deals no one benefits from.
I gave myself a whole year to explore the possibilities out there. A whole year to travel and just feel the freedom. In the beginning, time seemed infinitely long and the freedom unlimited. I had clear goals and tasks and achieved the vast majority of them. But I knew those days would come to an end and the freedom would be over. I came back to reality while there were still some bridges left to burn.
Next time I’ll burn the last ones and stay out.
Billy Bronco is telling you 